Full Circle of Living and Dying
  • Home
    • Donate Here
  • About us/Contact
    • Board of Directors
    • FCLD Core Circle Volunteer Team >
      • Bonnie McKeegan, LCSW, Past Vice President Board Director
      • Martha Turner, Midwifery, Past President
      • Linda More, End-of-Life Doula, Past Board Director
      • Donna Peizer, Past Treasurer
      • Nandi Szabo, Co-Founder
      • Nancy Parraz, Death Care Midwife
      • Sushila Mertens, End-of-Life Doula >
        • Sushila Mertens, End-of-Life Doula, Outstanding Volunteer of the Year!
        • Spotlight Sushila Mertens
      • Rebecca Sengolu
    • Advocates for end-of-life choices and death-care rights
    • FAQ
    • What is an End-of-Life Doula or Death Midwife?
    • Sign up for Newsletter/send email
    • Contact Us
    • Pregnancy and Infant Loss >
      • Cuddle Cot 2021
      • Support group: Pregnancy and Infant Loss
    • Gallery
    • Donate Here
    • JOIN OUR TEAM
    • Our Education >
      • Our Final Passages Death Midwifery Training
      • Home Funeral Article by Jerrigrace Lyons
  • In-Home Funeral Guidance
    • Know your rights. Home death care is legal.
    • Home Death Care in California >
      • Home Funeral Paperwork
    • CALIFORNIA DEATH CERTIFICATE Instructions
    • Tattoo Preservation after Death
    • Death Care >
      • Sacred Death Care
    • What is "Lying in Honor?"
    • Symbolism of our LOGO
    • Donate Here
    • Pet Funeral >
      • Pet Euthanasia in the Home
    • Death Certificate Worksheet >
      • Nevada County-File Your Own Paperwork for Death Certificate - Vital Records Office
    • Video: A Conversation about After Death Care
  • End-of-Life Care Options
    • Pregnancy and Infant Loss >
      • Support group: Pregnancy and Infant Loss
      • Cuddle Cot 2021
    • Advance Directives, Dementia, Covid-19, Five Wishes
    • End-of-Life Doula
    • California End of Life Option Act (MAID)
    • VSED: Voluntarily Stopping Eating & Drinking
    • Sacred Bridges, Local End-of-Life Caregivers
    • Remembrances
    • Contributions
    • Testimonials
    • Physician Support: Medical Aid in Dying
  • Green Burial
    • History of Natural Green Burial, Cherokee Cemetery, Nevada County >
      • Green Burial Santa Monica 2016
      • Green Burial Video from GBC
    • Natural Organic Reduction -Composting Human Remains >
      • Presentation: Natural Organic Reduction + YouTube link
    • Natural Organic Reduction Amigo Bob's story
    • Rules for Scattering Ashes
    • Find A Grave (website)
    • Aquamation: Water Cremation >
      • Desmond Tutu: Aquamation
    • Cremation- Not so Environmentally Friendly!
  • Events & News
    • Upcoming April 11, 2023 Educational Series: AS YOU WISH: Creating a Beautiful End-of-Life
    • EOL Doulas fight for Rights >
      • Podcast 2023 INTERVIEW: The Doulas Taking on California's Cemetery/Funeral Bureau
      • Death Doulas C&C Article Nov. 2021
      • California Death Doulas Fight
      • LA TIMES Article about Lawsuit Aug. 2022
      • Article: Death Doula Lawsuit Dec. 2021
    • Upcoming April 20, 2023 Death Conversations Event
    • Workshop: In-Home After-death Care April 30, 2023
    • Past Educational Series March, 2023: AS YOU WISH: Creating a Beautiful End-of-Life
    • Past event Aquamation Presentation Jan. 18, 2023 link to recording
    • 2022 Past Events >
      • Article: Pregnancy Loss Conversations Feb, 2022
      • Past Film Event: Jack Has a Plan Aug. 2022
      • Past Event June 24, 2022 Presentation Organ and Tissue donation
      • Past Event Apr. 28, 2022 After-death Care presentation
      • PAST March 26, 2022 Cemetery Field Trip
      • Past Event March 17, 2022 Death Conversations- Breaking the silence
      • Past Event Jan 20, 2022 Death Conversations- Breaking the silence
    • PAST EVENTS 2021 >
      • Review: 2021 City of Hope, End:0f-Life Symposium December
      • Presentation Dec. 9th : "There's No Place Like Home." Home funeral Basics
      • Past Event: Nov. 2021- Medical Aid-in-Dying Update
      • Past Event: Natural Organic Reduction - Register
      • Past Events 2021 : June 18 -Field trip to Cherokee Cemetery
    • Newsletters
    • KVMR Podcasts: Featuring End-of-LIfe Doulas
    • PUBLISHED ARTICLES >
      • Article from The Order of the Good Death
      • Article: California's End-of-LIfe Option Act
      • Article Amigo Bob -Natural Organic Reduction Human Composting
      • April 2020 Ventilators in times of COVID-19
      • Union Article Caring Cradle Sept 2019
      • Giving Back After Tragedy, September 2019 The Union
      • Article The Union May 2019 New nonprofit
      • Article The Union August 2019 HBO Documentary
      • Choosing When to Die
      • Home Funeral Visitation
    • PAST EVENTS 2019/20 >
      • Past Event Oct 7 & 8, 2020 Holding Space for Pregnancy Loss
      • Death & Grieving around Corona Virus March 26, 2020
      • Past Event: Jan 26, 2020 Your Life, Your Choice, Your Plan
      • End-of-Life Doula Training with Inspired Endings - Oct 2019
      • June 9, 2019 Short Film & Death Conversation
      • Mar, Apr, May 2019
      • SEPT 2019 EVENT: Advance Directives + Dementia Directive
    • 2018 Past Events >
      • A Matter of Life & Death: Workshop Series Sept. 22, 2018
      • Nandi's Cancer Support Group September-October 2018
      • Past Events: 2018
      • Event May 20, 2018- Creating a Death Care Plan: Exploring Unconventional Options
      • Event: July 22, 2018 Death Cafe
    • 2017 PAST Events: August 27th -Understanding California's End-of-LIfe Option Act >
      • Deathwalker Training with Zenith Virago Sept 2017
      • Past Event: Film screening: Zen & the Art of Dying August 13, 2017
      • PAST Event: Film screening: Zen and the Art of Dying June 11, 2017
      • Past Event: Death Salon, A Gathering of Community to Discuss Death -MAR 26
      • Past Event - Exploring After Death Options: What Happens to our Bodily Remains? Feb 19, 2017 2-4pm
      • Going Out Green: Learn about Eco-friendly Home Funerals and Green Burial Cemetery JAN. 8, 2017
      • International Death Doula Training 2017
    • 2016 Events Planning Your Own Send-off May 1, 2016 >
      • Stephen Jenkinson Comes to NC March 14, 2016
      • Education, Presentations, Death Cafe
      • Event: Sunday Aug 28 2-4pm Home Funerals & Green Burial
    • EARLY YEARS 2013-2015 EVENTS
  • Resources
    • MAiD/California End of Life Option Act + Update SB 380 >
      • Links for California's End-of-Life Option Act
    • Bereavement Support in Nevada County >
      • Bereavement support Hospice of the Foothills, Nevada County
      • Grief Support: Jemma Skye Champeau
    • Advance Directives California + Dementia
    • Hospice of the Foothills, Nevada County
    • Senior Outreach Services, Nevada County
    • One Source Empowering Caregivers
    • Pregnancy and Infant Loss >
      • Cuddle Cot 2021
      • Union Article Caring Cradle 2019
    • Support group: Pregnancy and Infant Loss
    • End-of-Life Plan of Care
    • American Clinicians Academy on Medical Aid in Dying >
      • ACAMAID: Mixing medications
    • Physicians & Local Pharmacy >
      • Dr. Stephen Banister, Nevada County
    • VSED: Voluntarily Stopping Eating & Drinking >
      • Supporting a Loved One at End of Life
    • Body / Organ Donation
    • Threshold Choir
    • Resources and Links
    • People in the Death Trade & Training
    • Holding Space
  • FAQ
  • Companions for Pregnancy Loss
    • Cuddle Cot 2021
  • Death Related YouTube
  • Beauty of EOL Study
  • JOIN OUR TEAM
  • Bardo, Buddhism and the Art of Dying
  • Accomplishments
  • Remembrance donation
  • Kids Sit Vigil with their Granny
  • Sharon's End-of-life days
  • Nearing Death Awareness
  • After-Death Care of my Mom by Akhiila Murphy
  • Archive Video FCLD Collective
  • A Remembrance Gathering for Mom?
  • Marina Bokelman Legacy
  • Register for Aguamation
  • EOL Doulas fight for Rights

Death Leads the Way

7/5/2021

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Picture
​On the first day of spring of 1984, I was 18 years old when my great-grandma Leavy was dying in a nursing home in Escalon, California. That skilled nursing facility had been her home for years. I’d visited it many times during my childhood and that was where I first learned about how we house the elderly and infirm when they can no longer take care of themselves. It was also the place where, as a young child, I became aware of the looming death of others. I associated death with old age, the body wearing out, and a natural process. Incidentally, I also learned in that nursing home to turn off my olfactory system which became quite helpful later in my work life in hospitals and visiting nursing homes!

Born in Monticello, Kentucky in 1893, Leavy was 90 years old. She’d lived through the turn of the century, every war and “conflict,” the Great Depression and Roaring 20s, the Dust Bowl years in Oklahoma, the murder of her first husband, and the death of her second husband. She’d endured these experiences and the deaths of two of her children and all four of her siblings long before 1965 when I, her first great-grandchild, was born.

There are moments in our lives that influence our future selves. We may not be aware of it at the time, but looking back certain scenes become part of the bigger picture in finding our meaning and purpose in life. In my search, death leads the way.

On that vernal spring equinox in 1984, I sat at Leavy’s beside in a visitor chair squeezed between her bed and the window that faced north. Soft late afternoon light came through the window behind me as I watched her shaky hand on her tummy and listened to her soft moaning. The nurse had just told me and my grandmother, Anita, that Leavy had stopped eating and she was dying. They didn’t know how long she had.

Leavy was sitting propped up in a hospital bed, dressed in a faded snap-down-the-front gown, and covered up to her hips in a hospital bed blanket. I could see her chin whiskers needed shaving again. This wasn’t the room on the other side of the facility where she’d lived all those years. Her personal belongings were nowhere to be seen. The nursing station across the hall was busy and I could hear staff talking to other residents making their lost way to dinner.

Upon hearing the nurse’s evaluation of the situation, my grandma Anita freaked out. She fled the nursing home in a flood of tears and never came back. I sat still. I watched Leavy. She immediately became a bit more energetic in her shaky hand movements and was clearly distressed. On pure impulse, I said, “It’s okay for you to go. She’ll be okay, we’ll take care of her.” Then I asked Leavy if she’d like me to rub her tummy. She put her hand down at her side and seemed to relax. With fingers as light as feathers but touching her firmly, I rubbed my hand in large circular motions around her tummy. She had been a good eater! Her face went soft and she stopped moaning, which I interpreted as relief from being upset over her daughter’s dramatic departure and an easing of some ache in her belly.

Leavy had not opened her eyes during the entire time I was there. She had not spoken but was clearly aware we were there. She understood what was being said. Still, she seemed to be partway to somewhere else.

After rubbing her tummy for a while, she seemed to fall asleep. I sat quietly for some time, then I left. I drove back to my grandparents’ house, 10 minutes down a country road, to the farmhouse where I lived at the time. My grandparents’ farm and almond orchard sat across the street from a large old lawn cemetery. I’d spent many childhood days walking there in the shade of the big trees on summer vacations and Thanksgiving weekends. Leavy would later be buried there along with several other family members.

Around 630am on the second day of spring in 1984, the call came that Leavy had died. The person on the other end of the line told my grandma she’d not awoken after I left, did not suffer, and her body had already been picked up by the mortuary. Relief washed over me hearing that she’d not suffered, while simultaneously regretting that I’d not remained planted in that chair until the end.

In 1971, my brother, Wes, was born on July 28th. He shared Leavy’s birthday. His death in August 2002, during the heat of summer, is yet another story that leads the way. I also regret that I left his side within 24 hours of his death. Even though he wanted to spare me seeing certain things he associated with death, I saw some of it anyway when I arrived three hours after his death. I wish I had been there. I wish I had known his last breath was coming in the wee hours that morning when I’d gone home to rest.

Perhaps even more so, I wish we’d had more time with Wes after he died. I wish we had known we could have more time, a home funeral, ritual. As it was, it all happened so fast and my last memory is of sitting on a couch in another room consoling my mother when the van took him away. She’d washed his body before I got there and that was all she had. That was all we had besides sitting at his bedside for a short time.

Over the course of my social work life in medical settings, I’ve been in the midst of various death scenes. I say “in the midst of” because I was there as a support person, but these were not my people. It was not my loss that was happening. I was there to help ease the suffering of patients, families, and loved ones whom I didn’t know until the very end. Many of them were traumatic, unsettling and/or sudden, while others were expected, as when turning off life support.

While I no longer work in a medical setting, death still leads the way.

Volunteering for Full Circle of Living and Dying is, in a profound and unexpected way, coming full circle for me. While my social work career has been about easing the suffering of others, sometimes just with my presence, and often not related to death, I have found that this calling is not just about a career. It’s personal, as you may already know if you’ve heard me talk about my mother or my brother’s death. Death continues to lead the way in finding new depths of meaning and purpose in my life. As I follow and accept the invitations, I find myself in enlightening places I’d never planned or imagined.

​I am whole-heartedly thankful for the volunteers in Full Circle for what I’ve learned from them since 2016, and I hope to give back while paying it forward in ways that are helpful and unique from my experiences. I so much appreciate the openness of everyone I’ve met as I continue to learn while finding my place as a volunteer and board member.
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    Author: Bonnie McKeegan, LCSW

    Full Circle of Living and Dying, New Board Director, 2021

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  • Home
    • Donate Here
  • About us/Contact
    • Board of Directors
    • FCLD Core Circle Volunteer Team >
      • Bonnie McKeegan, LCSW, Past Vice President Board Director
      • Martha Turner, Midwifery, Past President
      • Linda More, End-of-Life Doula, Past Board Director
      • Donna Peizer, Past Treasurer
      • Nandi Szabo, Co-Founder
      • Nancy Parraz, Death Care Midwife
      • Sushila Mertens, End-of-Life Doula >
        • Sushila Mertens, End-of-Life Doula, Outstanding Volunteer of the Year!
        • Spotlight Sushila Mertens
      • Rebecca Sengolu
    • Advocates for end-of-life choices and death-care rights
    • FAQ
    • What is an End-of-Life Doula or Death Midwife?
    • Sign up for Newsletter/send email
    • Contact Us
    • Pregnancy and Infant Loss >
      • Cuddle Cot 2021
      • Support group: Pregnancy and Infant Loss
    • Gallery
    • Donate Here
    • JOIN OUR TEAM
    • Our Education >
      • Our Final Passages Death Midwifery Training
      • Home Funeral Article by Jerrigrace Lyons
  • In-Home Funeral Guidance
    • Know your rights. Home death care is legal.
    • Home Death Care in California >
      • Home Funeral Paperwork
    • CALIFORNIA DEATH CERTIFICATE Instructions
    • Tattoo Preservation after Death
    • Death Care >
      • Sacred Death Care
    • What is "Lying in Honor?"
    • Symbolism of our LOGO
    • Donate Here
    • Pet Funeral >
      • Pet Euthanasia in the Home
    • Death Certificate Worksheet >
      • Nevada County-File Your Own Paperwork for Death Certificate - Vital Records Office
    • Video: A Conversation about After Death Care
  • End-of-Life Care Options
    • Pregnancy and Infant Loss >
      • Support group: Pregnancy and Infant Loss
      • Cuddle Cot 2021
    • Advance Directives, Dementia, Covid-19, Five Wishes
    • End-of-Life Doula
    • California End of Life Option Act (MAID)
    • VSED: Voluntarily Stopping Eating & Drinking
    • Sacred Bridges, Local End-of-Life Caregivers
    • Remembrances
    • Contributions
    • Testimonials
    • Physician Support: Medical Aid in Dying
  • Green Burial
    • History of Natural Green Burial, Cherokee Cemetery, Nevada County >
      • Green Burial Santa Monica 2016
      • Green Burial Video from GBC
    • Natural Organic Reduction -Composting Human Remains >
      • Presentation: Natural Organic Reduction + YouTube link
    • Natural Organic Reduction Amigo Bob's story
    • Rules for Scattering Ashes
    • Find A Grave (website)
    • Aquamation: Water Cremation >
      • Desmond Tutu: Aquamation
    • Cremation- Not so Environmentally Friendly!
  • Events & News
    • Upcoming April 11, 2023 Educational Series: AS YOU WISH: Creating a Beautiful End-of-Life
    • EOL Doulas fight for Rights >
      • Podcast 2023 INTERVIEW: The Doulas Taking on California's Cemetery/Funeral Bureau
      • Death Doulas C&C Article Nov. 2021
      • California Death Doulas Fight
      • LA TIMES Article about Lawsuit Aug. 2022
      • Article: Death Doula Lawsuit Dec. 2021
    • Upcoming April 20, 2023 Death Conversations Event
    • Workshop: In-Home After-death Care April 30, 2023
    • Past Educational Series March, 2023: AS YOU WISH: Creating a Beautiful End-of-Life
    • Past event Aquamation Presentation Jan. 18, 2023 link to recording
    • 2022 Past Events >
      • Article: Pregnancy Loss Conversations Feb, 2022
      • Past Film Event: Jack Has a Plan Aug. 2022
      • Past Event June 24, 2022 Presentation Organ and Tissue donation
      • Past Event Apr. 28, 2022 After-death Care presentation
      • PAST March 26, 2022 Cemetery Field Trip
      • Past Event March 17, 2022 Death Conversations- Breaking the silence
      • Past Event Jan 20, 2022 Death Conversations- Breaking the silence
    • PAST EVENTS 2021 >
      • Review: 2021 City of Hope, End:0f-Life Symposium December
      • Presentation Dec. 9th : "There's No Place Like Home." Home funeral Basics
      • Past Event: Nov. 2021- Medical Aid-in-Dying Update
      • Past Event: Natural Organic Reduction - Register
      • Past Events 2021 : June 18 -Field trip to Cherokee Cemetery
    • Newsletters
    • KVMR Podcasts: Featuring End-of-LIfe Doulas
    • PUBLISHED ARTICLES >
      • Article from The Order of the Good Death
      • Article: California's End-of-LIfe Option Act
      • Article Amigo Bob -Natural Organic Reduction Human Composting
      • April 2020 Ventilators in times of COVID-19
      • Union Article Caring Cradle Sept 2019
      • Giving Back After Tragedy, September 2019 The Union
      • Article The Union May 2019 New nonprofit
      • Article The Union August 2019 HBO Documentary
      • Choosing When to Die
      • Home Funeral Visitation
    • PAST EVENTS 2019/20 >
      • Past Event Oct 7 & 8, 2020 Holding Space for Pregnancy Loss
      • Death & Grieving around Corona Virus March 26, 2020
      • Past Event: Jan 26, 2020 Your Life, Your Choice, Your Plan
      • End-of-Life Doula Training with Inspired Endings - Oct 2019
      • June 9, 2019 Short Film & Death Conversation
      • Mar, Apr, May 2019
      • SEPT 2019 EVENT: Advance Directives + Dementia Directive
    • 2018 Past Events >
      • A Matter of Life & Death: Workshop Series Sept. 22, 2018
      • Nandi's Cancer Support Group September-October 2018
      • Past Events: 2018
      • Event May 20, 2018- Creating a Death Care Plan: Exploring Unconventional Options
      • Event: July 22, 2018 Death Cafe
    • 2017 PAST Events: August 27th -Understanding California's End-of-LIfe Option Act >
      • Deathwalker Training with Zenith Virago Sept 2017
      • Past Event: Film screening: Zen & the Art of Dying August 13, 2017
      • PAST Event: Film screening: Zen and the Art of Dying June 11, 2017
      • Past Event: Death Salon, A Gathering of Community to Discuss Death -MAR 26
      • Past Event - Exploring After Death Options: What Happens to our Bodily Remains? Feb 19, 2017 2-4pm
      • Going Out Green: Learn about Eco-friendly Home Funerals and Green Burial Cemetery JAN. 8, 2017
      • International Death Doula Training 2017
    • 2016 Events Planning Your Own Send-off May 1, 2016 >
      • Stephen Jenkinson Comes to NC March 14, 2016
      • Education, Presentations, Death Cafe
      • Event: Sunday Aug 28 2-4pm Home Funerals & Green Burial
    • EARLY YEARS 2013-2015 EVENTS
  • Resources
    • MAiD/California End of Life Option Act + Update SB 380 >
      • Links for California's End-of-Life Option Act
    • Bereavement Support in Nevada County >
      • Bereavement support Hospice of the Foothills, Nevada County
      • Grief Support: Jemma Skye Champeau
    • Advance Directives California + Dementia
    • Hospice of the Foothills, Nevada County
    • Senior Outreach Services, Nevada County
    • One Source Empowering Caregivers
    • Pregnancy and Infant Loss >
      • Cuddle Cot 2021
      • Union Article Caring Cradle 2019
    • Support group: Pregnancy and Infant Loss
    • End-of-Life Plan of Care
    • American Clinicians Academy on Medical Aid in Dying >
      • ACAMAID: Mixing medications
    • Physicians & Local Pharmacy >
      • Dr. Stephen Banister, Nevada County
    • VSED: Voluntarily Stopping Eating & Drinking >
      • Supporting a Loved One at End of Life
    • Body / Organ Donation
    • Threshold Choir
    • Resources and Links
    • People in the Death Trade & Training
    • Holding Space
  • FAQ
  • Companions for Pregnancy Loss
    • Cuddle Cot 2021
  • Death Related YouTube
  • Beauty of EOL Study
  • JOIN OUR TEAM
  • Bardo, Buddhism and the Art of Dying
  • Accomplishments
  • Remembrance donation
  • Kids Sit Vigil with their Granny
  • Sharon's End-of-life days
  • Nearing Death Awareness
  • After-Death Care of my Mom by Akhiila Murphy
  • Archive Video FCLD Collective
  • A Remembrance Gathering for Mom?
  • Marina Bokelman Legacy
  • Register for Aguamation
  • EOL Doulas fight for Rights