Full Circle of Living and Dying
  • Home
    • Donate Here
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    • Board of Directors >
      • Akhila Murphy, Founding Director, End-of-Life Doula, Death Care Midwife
      • Carolyn Seyler, Co-Chair President
      • Rosie Mariani, Board Treasurer
      • Mary Good, End-of-Life Doula, Secretary of the Board
      • Amanda Kenney, Death-Care Midwife, Board Director
      • Mary Jo Curtin, Board Director
    • FCLD Core Circle Volunteer Team >
      • Bonnie McKeegan, LCSW, Past Vice President Board Director
      • Martha Turner, Midwifery, Past President
      • Linda More, End-of-Life Doula, Past Board Director
      • Donna Peizer, Past Treasurer
      • Nandi Szabo, Co-Founder
      • Nancy Parraz, Death Care Midwife
      • Sushila Mertens, End-of-Life Doula >
        • Sushila Mertens, End-of-Life Doula, Outstanding Volunteer of the Year!
        • Spotlight Sushila Mertens
      • Rebecca Sengolu
    • Advocates for end-of-life choices and death-care rights
    • FAQ
    • What is an End-of-Life Doula or Death Midwife?
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    • Pregnancy and Infant Loss >
      • Cuddle Cot 2021
      • Support group: Pregnancy and Infant Loss
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    • Our Education >
      • Our Final Passages Death Midwifery Training
      • Home Funeral Article by Jerrigrace Lyons
  • In-Home Funeral Guidance
    • Know your rights. Home death care is legal.
    • Home Death Care in California >
      • Home Funeral Paperwork
    • CALIFORNIA DEATH CERTIFICATE Instructions
    • Tattoo Preservation after Death
    • Death Care >
      • Sacred Death Care
    • What is "Lying in Honor?"
    • Symbolism of our LOGO
    • Donate Here
    • Pet Funeral >
      • Pet Euthanasia in the Home
    • Death Certificate Worksheet >
      • Nevada County-File Your Own Paperwork for Death Certificate - Vital Records Office
    • Video: A Conversation about After Death Care
  • End-of-Life Care Options
    • Pregnancy and Infant Loss >
      • Support group: Pregnancy and Infant Loss
      • Cuddle Cot 2021
    • Advance Directives, Dementia, Covid-19, Five Wishes
    • End-of-Life Doula
    • California End of Life Option Act (MAID)
    • VSED: Voluntarily Stopping Eating & Drinking
    • Sacred Bridges, Local End-of-Life Caregivers
    • Remembrances
    • Contributions
    • Testimonials
    • Physician Support: Medical Aid in Dying
  • Green Burial
    • History of Natural Green Burial, Cherokee Cemetery, Nevada County >
      • Green Burial Santa Monica 2016
      • Green Burial Video from GBC
    • Natural Organic Reduction -Composting Human Remains >
      • Presentation: Natural Organic Reduction + YouTube link
    • Natural Organic Reduction Amigo Bob's story
    • Rules for Scattering Ashes
    • Find A Grave (website)
    • Aquamation: Water Cremation >
      • Desmond Tutu: Aquamation
    • Cremation- Not so Environmentally Friendly!
  • Events & News
    • Upcoming Educational Series MAR 14, 2023: AS YOU WISH: Creating a Beautiful End-of-Life
    • Upcoming March 16, 2023 Death Conversations Event
    • Presentation April 30, 2023 In-Home Death Care
    • Past event Aquamation Presentation Jan. 18, 2023 link to recording
    • Past Death Conversations Event Nov. 17, 2022
    • Past Film Event: Jack Has a Plan Aug. 2022
    • LA TIMES Article about Lawsuit Aug. 2022
    • Article: Death Doula Lawsuit Dec. 2021 >
      • California Death Doulas Fight
      • Death Doulas C&C Article Nov. 2021
    • Article: Pregnancy Loss Conversations Feb, 2022
    • Past Event June 24, 2022 Presentation Organ and Tissue donation
    • Past Event Apr. 28, 2022 After-death Care presentation
    • PAST March 26, 2022 Cemetery Field Trip
    • Past Event March 17, 2022 Death Conversations- Breaking the silence
    • Past Event Jan 20, 2022 Death Conversations- Breaking the silence
    • Review: 2021 City of Hope, End:0f-Life Symposium December
    • PAST EVENTS 2021 >
      • Presentation Dec. 9th : "There's No Place Like Home." Home funeral Basics
      • Past Event: Nov. 2021- Medical Aid-in-Dying Update
      • Past Event: Natural Organic Reduction - Register
      • Past Events 2021 : June 18 -Field trip to Cherokee Cemetery
    • Newsletters
    • KVMR Podcasts: Featuring End-of-LIfe Doulas
    • PUBLISHED ARTICLES >
      • Article from The Order of the Good Death
      • Article: California's End-of-LIfe Option Act
      • Article Amigo Bob -Natural Organic Reduction Human Composting
      • April 2020 Ventilators in times of COVID-19
      • Union Article Caring Cradle Sept 2019
      • Giving Back After Tragedy, September 2019 The Union
      • Article The Union May 2019 New nonprofit
      • Article The Union August 2019 HBO Documentary
      • Choosing When to Die
      • Home Funeral Visitation
    • PAST EVENTS 2019/20 >
      • Past Event Oct 7 & 8, 2020 Holding Space for Pregnancy Loss
      • Death & Grieving around Corona Virus March 26, 2020
      • Past Event: Jan 26, 2020 Your Life, Your Choice, Your Plan
      • End-of-Life Doula Training with Inspired Endings - Oct 2019
      • June 9, 2019 Short Film & Death Conversation
      • Mar, Apr, May 2019
      • SEPT 2019 EVENT: Advance Directives + Dementia Directive
    • 2018 Past Events >
      • A Matter of Life & Death: Workshop Series Sept. 22, 2018
      • Nandi's Cancer Support Group September-October 2018
      • Past Events: 2018
      • Event May 20, 2018- Creating a Death Care Plan: Exploring Unconventional Options
      • Event: July 22, 2018 Death Cafe
    • 2017 PAST Events: August 27th -Understanding California's End-of-LIfe Option Act >
      • Deathwalker Training with Zenith Virago Sept 2017
      • Past Event: Film screening: Zen & the Art of Dying August 13, 2017
      • PAST Event: Film screening: Zen and the Art of Dying June 11, 2017
      • Past Event: Death Salon, A Gathering of Community to Discuss Death -MAR 26
      • Past Event - Exploring After Death Options: What Happens to our Bodily Remains? Feb 19, 2017 2-4pm
      • Going Out Green: Learn about Eco-friendly Home Funerals and Green Burial Cemetery JAN. 8, 2017
      • International Death Doula Training 2017
    • 2016 Events Planning Your Own Send-off May 1, 2016 >
      • Stephen Jenkinson Comes to NC March 14, 2016
      • Education, Presentations, Death Cafe
      • Event: Sunday Aug 28 2-4pm Home Funerals & Green Burial
    • EARLY YEARS 2013-2015 EVENTS
  • Resources
    • MAiD/California End of Life Option Act + Update SB 380 >
      • Links for California's End-of-Life Option Act
    • Bereavement Support in Nevada County >
      • Bereavement support Hospice of the Foothills, Nevada County
      • Grief Support: Jemma Skye Champeau
    • Advance Directives California + Dementia
    • Hospice of the Foothills, Nevada County
    • Senior Outreach Services, Nevada County
    • One Source Empowering Caregivers
    • Pregnancy and Infant Loss >
      • Cuddle Cot 2021
      • Union Article Caring Cradle 2019
    • Support group: Pregnancy and Infant Loss
    • End-of-Life Plan of Care
    • American Clinicians Academy on Medical Aid in Dying >
      • ACAMAID: Mixing medications
    • Physicians & Local Pharmacy >
      • Dr. Stephen Banister, Nevada County
    • VSED: Voluntarily Stopping Eating & Drinking >
      • Supporting a Loved One at End of Life
    • Body / Organ Donation
    • Threshold Choir
    • Resources and Links
    • People in the Death Trade & Training
    • Holding Space
  • FAQ
  • Companions for Pregnancy Loss
    • Cuddle Cot 2021
  • Death Related YouTube
  • Beauty of EOL Study
  • JOIN OUR TEAM
  • Bardo, Buddhism and the Art of Dying
  • Accomplishments
  • Remembrance donation
  • Kids Sit Vigil with their Granny
  • Sharon's End-of-life days
  • Nearing Death Awareness
  • After-Death Care of my Mom by Akhiila Murphy
  • Archive Video FCLD Collective
  • A Remembrance Gathering for Mom?
  • Marina Bokelman Legacy
  • Register for Aguamation
Picture
Sleeping longer each day.
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End-of-Life Transitions of Sharon Rose:
A Once-in-a-Lifetime Experience by Akhila Murphy, EOL Doula

As an End-of-life Doula for the past ten years, I have sat with dozens of dying people and their families/people/caring circles. Some meetings were conversations about death, some were consultations and advance planning. Most people feel death talks are uncomfortable or even taboo. I'm here to tell you these are the most important conversations of your life.

Over the years my mom, Sharon and I had talked a bit about death and her spiritual beliefs. She made her wishes known through advance directives and a dementia directive.  She wasn’t sure there was a heaven, but she definitely had "spirit" guides around her.  

When my mom began her dying process, we often stumbled to revisit those death conversations, partly due to her Lewy Body dementia, confusion, and difficulty speaking, but mostly due to my discomfort  talking to my own mother about her dying process. She was now living with me and my husband who became her inexperienced 24 hour caregivers. These months were rough watching the changes and decline. Eventually she didn't know my name or that I was her daughter. She needed help with all activities of daily living.  

One night shortly after mom had begun in-home hospice care, I peeked into her room at about 9:00pm and I noticed she was still awake. She was now bed bound, and I sat with her for awhile. Usually she didn’t speak much because of her difficulty with words. But on this night she spoke clearly and asked me an important question, “Will you walk me home?”

At first I wondered if she understood the metaphor of this question, so I said, “You are home mom. This is your home now.” She asked me again if I would walk her home. Then I asked if she meant - walk you to the other side? She said yes. My energy level heightened and I responded, “Of course I will walk you home. But if it happens that I’m not there, you can look for your spirits or look for family and ancestors to help you home. Is that ok?” She responded yes softly. There was some silence as she seemed to be thinking. Then she said, “I don’t think I can find my way.” I reminded her that her spirits have always been with her, they will help find the way. I believe she was experiencing Nearing Death Awareness. It turns out this was one of her final gifts to me: Speaking with clarity and sharing her deepest concerns about dying in a metaphor that I would understand. 

Mom was now sleeping more and more.  Soft music playlists played day and night. I began inviting my friends to come visit her.  These were friends from the hospice Dying Vigil team, and a new friend whose husband died just two weeks ago. I am thankful for these visitors. It  was good for mom to see new faces besides just me and my husband (her caregivers). She responded well.
 
Mom had been on hospice care for about seven days when the hospice nurse told me she was transitioning. In hospice terms transitioning means death may be just a few days away. Mom had discontinued eating three days ago and was now refusing sips of water. I was giving her meds by making a slurry and using a syringe. She only accepted milligrams of water by syringe. I tried to swab her mouth, but she clamped it closed. I just wanted to scrub her teeth and make her feel fresh. The next couple of days I ironed her shroud, and contacted my end-of-life doulas to be on standby.  
 
Family came on what would turn out to be the afternoon before mom/granny died. The hospice nurse visited and said she was now actively dying, which means she will take her last breath soon. Our family took turns sitting with her while she did the work of dying. She did not open her eyes, or speak, and her breathing was jagged. She stirred a bit when someone new came into the room or when her great-grandchildren held her hand. It was a good visit. Half the family went home that night and my sons spent the night. At about 10:00PM I sat with mom watching her breathe, counting the seconds between breaths. Whispering love to her, telling her she will find her way. It's ok to go. 
 
Mom died a few hours later. I came to her at 6:00 AM and she was no longer breathing. Her body was still warm and her face was very cool. I felt a sense of relief wash over my body and down into the earth below me. She was no longer tied down to this body that was no longer serving her well. I sat with her, held her hand and kissed for forehead over and over. I thanked her for her life and giving me life. I told her how pleased I was that she was able to find her way home. I told her we will now take care of her body and there will be no more pain.
 
My end-of-life doulas arrived, my brother arrived, my husband, my sons were present, and we prepared the room to begin the ceremonial washing, and caring of her body. This after-death care was a beautiful ritual of completing her life with loving care from her people.
​(More about mom's after-death care to be continued next month). 

Thanks for listening ~Akhila

​

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  • Home
    • Donate Here
  • About us/Contact
    • Board of Directors >
      • Akhila Murphy, Founding Director, End-of-Life Doula, Death Care Midwife
      • Carolyn Seyler, Co-Chair President
      • Rosie Mariani, Board Treasurer
      • Mary Good, End-of-Life Doula, Secretary of the Board
      • Amanda Kenney, Death-Care Midwife, Board Director
      • Mary Jo Curtin, Board Director
    • FCLD Core Circle Volunteer Team >
      • Bonnie McKeegan, LCSW, Past Vice President Board Director
      • Martha Turner, Midwifery, Past President
      • Linda More, End-of-Life Doula, Past Board Director
      • Donna Peizer, Past Treasurer
      • Nandi Szabo, Co-Founder
      • Nancy Parraz, Death Care Midwife
      • Sushila Mertens, End-of-Life Doula >
        • Sushila Mertens, End-of-Life Doula, Outstanding Volunteer of the Year!
        • Spotlight Sushila Mertens
      • Rebecca Sengolu
    • Advocates for end-of-life choices and death-care rights
    • FAQ
    • What is an End-of-Life Doula or Death Midwife?
    • Sign up for Newsletter/send email
    • Contact Us
    • Pregnancy and Infant Loss >
      • Cuddle Cot 2021
      • Support group: Pregnancy and Infant Loss
    • Gallery
    • Donate Here
    • JOIN OUR TEAM
    • Our Education >
      • Our Final Passages Death Midwifery Training
      • Home Funeral Article by Jerrigrace Lyons
  • In-Home Funeral Guidance
    • Know your rights. Home death care is legal.
    • Home Death Care in California >
      • Home Funeral Paperwork
    • CALIFORNIA DEATH CERTIFICATE Instructions
    • Tattoo Preservation after Death
    • Death Care >
      • Sacred Death Care
    • What is "Lying in Honor?"
    • Symbolism of our LOGO
    • Donate Here
    • Pet Funeral >
      • Pet Euthanasia in the Home
    • Death Certificate Worksheet >
      • Nevada County-File Your Own Paperwork for Death Certificate - Vital Records Office
    • Video: A Conversation about After Death Care
  • End-of-Life Care Options
    • Pregnancy and Infant Loss >
      • Support group: Pregnancy and Infant Loss
      • Cuddle Cot 2021
    • Advance Directives, Dementia, Covid-19, Five Wishes
    • End-of-Life Doula
    • California End of Life Option Act (MAID)
    • VSED: Voluntarily Stopping Eating & Drinking
    • Sacred Bridges, Local End-of-Life Caregivers
    • Remembrances
    • Contributions
    • Testimonials
    • Physician Support: Medical Aid in Dying
  • Green Burial
    • History of Natural Green Burial, Cherokee Cemetery, Nevada County >
      • Green Burial Santa Monica 2016
      • Green Burial Video from GBC
    • Natural Organic Reduction -Composting Human Remains >
      • Presentation: Natural Organic Reduction + YouTube link
    • Natural Organic Reduction Amigo Bob's story
    • Rules for Scattering Ashes
    • Find A Grave (website)
    • Aquamation: Water Cremation >
      • Desmond Tutu: Aquamation
    • Cremation- Not so Environmentally Friendly!
  • Events & News
    • Upcoming Educational Series MAR 14, 2023: AS YOU WISH: Creating a Beautiful End-of-Life
    • Upcoming March 16, 2023 Death Conversations Event
    • Presentation April 30, 2023 In-Home Death Care
    • Past event Aquamation Presentation Jan. 18, 2023 link to recording
    • Past Death Conversations Event Nov. 17, 2022
    • Past Film Event: Jack Has a Plan Aug. 2022
    • LA TIMES Article about Lawsuit Aug. 2022
    • Article: Death Doula Lawsuit Dec. 2021 >
      • California Death Doulas Fight
      • Death Doulas C&C Article Nov. 2021
    • Article: Pregnancy Loss Conversations Feb, 2022
    • Past Event June 24, 2022 Presentation Organ and Tissue donation
    • Past Event Apr. 28, 2022 After-death Care presentation
    • PAST March 26, 2022 Cemetery Field Trip
    • Past Event March 17, 2022 Death Conversations- Breaking the silence
    • Past Event Jan 20, 2022 Death Conversations- Breaking the silence
    • Review: 2021 City of Hope, End:0f-Life Symposium December
    • PAST EVENTS 2021 >
      • Presentation Dec. 9th : "There's No Place Like Home." Home funeral Basics
      • Past Event: Nov. 2021- Medical Aid-in-Dying Update
      • Past Event: Natural Organic Reduction - Register
      • Past Events 2021 : June 18 -Field trip to Cherokee Cemetery
    • Newsletters
    • KVMR Podcasts: Featuring End-of-LIfe Doulas
    • PUBLISHED ARTICLES >
      • Article from The Order of the Good Death
      • Article: California's End-of-LIfe Option Act
      • Article Amigo Bob -Natural Organic Reduction Human Composting
      • April 2020 Ventilators in times of COVID-19
      • Union Article Caring Cradle Sept 2019
      • Giving Back After Tragedy, September 2019 The Union
      • Article The Union May 2019 New nonprofit
      • Article The Union August 2019 HBO Documentary
      • Choosing When to Die
      • Home Funeral Visitation
    • PAST EVENTS 2019/20 >
      • Past Event Oct 7 & 8, 2020 Holding Space for Pregnancy Loss
      • Death & Grieving around Corona Virus March 26, 2020
      • Past Event: Jan 26, 2020 Your Life, Your Choice, Your Plan
      • End-of-Life Doula Training with Inspired Endings - Oct 2019
      • June 9, 2019 Short Film & Death Conversation
      • Mar, Apr, May 2019
      • SEPT 2019 EVENT: Advance Directives + Dementia Directive
    • 2018 Past Events >
      • A Matter of Life & Death: Workshop Series Sept. 22, 2018
      • Nandi's Cancer Support Group September-October 2018
      • Past Events: 2018
      • Event May 20, 2018- Creating a Death Care Plan: Exploring Unconventional Options
      • Event: July 22, 2018 Death Cafe
    • 2017 PAST Events: August 27th -Understanding California's End-of-LIfe Option Act >
      • Deathwalker Training with Zenith Virago Sept 2017
      • Past Event: Film screening: Zen & the Art of Dying August 13, 2017
      • PAST Event: Film screening: Zen and the Art of Dying June 11, 2017
      • Past Event: Death Salon, A Gathering of Community to Discuss Death -MAR 26
      • Past Event - Exploring After Death Options: What Happens to our Bodily Remains? Feb 19, 2017 2-4pm
      • Going Out Green: Learn about Eco-friendly Home Funerals and Green Burial Cemetery JAN. 8, 2017
      • International Death Doula Training 2017
    • 2016 Events Planning Your Own Send-off May 1, 2016 >
      • Stephen Jenkinson Comes to NC March 14, 2016
      • Education, Presentations, Death Cafe
      • Event: Sunday Aug 28 2-4pm Home Funerals & Green Burial
    • EARLY YEARS 2013-2015 EVENTS
  • Resources
    • MAiD/California End of Life Option Act + Update SB 380 >
      • Links for California's End-of-Life Option Act
    • Bereavement Support in Nevada County >
      • Bereavement support Hospice of the Foothills, Nevada County
      • Grief Support: Jemma Skye Champeau
    • Advance Directives California + Dementia
    • Hospice of the Foothills, Nevada County
    • Senior Outreach Services, Nevada County
    • One Source Empowering Caregivers
    • Pregnancy and Infant Loss >
      • Cuddle Cot 2021
      • Union Article Caring Cradle 2019
    • Support group: Pregnancy and Infant Loss
    • End-of-Life Plan of Care
    • American Clinicians Academy on Medical Aid in Dying >
      • ACAMAID: Mixing medications
    • Physicians & Local Pharmacy >
      • Dr. Stephen Banister, Nevada County
    • VSED: Voluntarily Stopping Eating & Drinking >
      • Supporting a Loved One at End of Life
    • Body / Organ Donation
    • Threshold Choir
    • Resources and Links
    • People in the Death Trade & Training
    • Holding Space
  • FAQ
  • Companions for Pregnancy Loss
    • Cuddle Cot 2021
  • Death Related YouTube
  • Beauty of EOL Study
  • JOIN OUR TEAM
  • Bardo, Buddhism and the Art of Dying
  • Accomplishments
  • Remembrance donation
  • Kids Sit Vigil with their Granny
  • Sharon's End-of-life days
  • Nearing Death Awareness
  • After-Death Care of my Mom by Akhiila Murphy
  • Archive Video FCLD Collective
  • A Remembrance Gathering for Mom?
  • Marina Bokelman Legacy
  • Register for Aguamation