Children Sit Bedside with "Great-Granny" by Akhila Murphy, End-of-life Doula
doula,My mother, Sharon Rose died in my home on April 3, 2022; she was 84 years old. My grandchildren sat at bedside with Granny, in my home, and gently held her thin hand and talked to her. Witnessing this tender time will always hold a special place in my heart.
When my grandchildren were told that Granny was dying, my 10-year-old grandson wanted to visit her before she died. And so they came, not knowing this would be their Granny’s last night in her physical body.
When the children entered her room, they were not afraid. Somehow, they instinctively knew to enter slowly and quietly. Acoustic violin music was playing softly in the background.
I explained to them beforehand that Granny would look different than the last time they saw her. They immediately noticed the changes but walked right over to her bedside. Granny appeared to be sleeping—her eyes were closed, her mouth slightly open as she breathed, and she was noticeably thinner than before.
I knew my mom was transitioning, which hospice defines as the time very close to death. I wanted to be honest with my grandchildren, but I also understood that some words and concepts might not be age-appropriate for ages 7 and 10-years-old. I encouraged them to speak to Granny, explaining that although she was weak and could no longer talk, she would know they were there. They took that advice to heart. My grandson expressed his sadness, saying, “I’m a very outgoing, social kid, and if I couldn’t talk, it would be so hard.” Still, he kept talking to her.
Both children were curious and asked many questions. I explained that it was okay to gently hold her hand, and they reached out to her without hesitation. At that moment, Granny’s breathing changed, and she let out a long exhale. I reassured them, saying, “It’s okay—she knows you’re here.”
I encouraged questions and gave thoughtful answers, with just enough information and not too much. For example, they were amazed at being able to see the bones in her hands and, the very prominent veins. I explained she hadn’t been eating much anymore and she had lost a lot of weight. I felt it would not be appropriate to explain about dehydration or that she hadn’t eaten in four days. These facts might be worrisome for kids their age.
The experience my grandchildren had may not be appropriate for every kid. Each child is at a different developmental stage or may have had a negative experience in the past, so it’s best to offer kids choices whether or not to visit a dying person. Many adults feel uncomfortable discussing death, especially with children. According to kidshealth.org, a website providing doctor-reviewed information about kids health:
“How kids cope with the loss depends on things like their age, how close they felt to the person who died, and the support they receive.” The site recommends using simple words to talk about death, listening, offering comfort, and explaining what to expect in the days to come. Avoid giving too much information.
Books are a great resource for kids to learn about death, and there are hundreds of books out there for all ages and all types of death experiences. A quick online search will reveal many age-appropriate books as well as guides for parents on how to discuss death with children.
I believe many grown-ups are uncomfortable talking about death, and even more so with children. I have heard countless stories from adults who share memories of negative childhood experiences with death that have stayed with them all of their lives. Dying and death are significant times in everyone’s life. It is a time for love, caring, assistance, patience, and learning.
I know that being present during the process of dying, death, and moments after death can be healing to those who have negative memories. As an end-of-life doula I feel it is extremely important for people to open up conversations about death and dying well in advance. Normalizing these discussions and including children when appropriate can make a meaningful difference in how we approach the end of life.
